I saw my Tarot card reader in August (I'll defend my position on that sometime), and he said, "It looks like a job change is happening...into something entirely new."
"Noooooo," I said confidently. Yeah, my job has been a source of tremendous satisfaction but also the biggest source of raw stress than any job I have ever held, ever, but I made PEACE WITH THAT (dammit!!) after hitting a wall with it last autumn. Not going anywhere, nope, not me!
"Hmmm," he said. He's a good Tarot card reader, he doesn't waste my time. "Whatever it is, it is good. A good change. You are in a time of change anyway, and your energy is attracting positive changes in all areas...not negative ones at all."
So we went on to talk about that, which was nice. When I got readings from him five, six, and seven years ago, it was always, "You are in a challenging time right now...sorry...things are going to be tough for a while," and he was correct then, too (boy, was he).
A month later I was driving to see my next patient, a patient I liked a lot, a visit I did not dread, but I had felt a knot of anger tugging at me all day and I couldn't undo it. Usually I could breathe and smile and let it go, but that day it knotted up tighter and tighter and I couldn't even find the threads. It was midafternoon then, and I had been struggling all day, and it seemed so inappropriate somehow to be going to visit Mary with this anger balled up inside of me. It had nothing to do with her, and nothing to do with the work of hospice.
Just as I was turning down the street to her house, I felt the snap.
"I have had enough," I said to myself (or my self said to me), and I let out a breath.
Time to leave the job.
I think (maybe) I envy people who find jobs they can stick with for years on end. The closest I've been to that was my seven years working with the mentally retarded at the State institution. When it was time to leave that job, I fought that knowledge until what happened was, I got sick, pounding, dreary headaches as soon as I walked through the door, and they would not lift until my shift was done. It took constant physical discomfort to drive me out of there. Otherwise, I would have stayed on until the Governor personally kicked me out. I had loved that job.
I love this job, too. Don't force me to explain why I have to go...it's not that simple. It still took me two more weeks to actually put my notice in, and I am not yet done with completing what must be the longest notice ever (it's ended up being six weeks, mostly because of an unexpected personal issue I had to deal with in the middle of it, costing me money and energy, so they granted me an extension).
I get two opposite reactions, which are: 1) "Do you have a job yet??", with alarm; and, 2) "Hey! Good for you!!", with a grin. It is totally unpredictable who is going to give me what reaction.
My patient Mary has been the most encouraging of all my patients. She and I have a warm and affectionate relationship, and she is a woman who is quite particular about who is allowed to enter her sphere of existence. "I just know you are going to find something good," she told me. "I will be honest, I will miss you...but I can't be selfish, and I know wherever you go, you will be of tremendous help to people. You should be happy with whatever you do. The work you do is so hard!"
Sometimes I forget that.
This isn't me. It's Night Windows by Edward Hopper.
